Jokes

Graphic Designer Vs Font

2011-08-05T13:45:00.000-07:00

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Four fonts walk into a bar.
The barman says, "Get out! We don't want your type in here."

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How many designers does it take to change a light bulb?
Couldn't say--ask an account executive.

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How many web designers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three. One to change the structure, one to update the style, and one to blog about the inadequate bulb support offered by today’s socket manufacturers.

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What font did the astrologist use to write the daily horoscopes?
Futura

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1st Designer: “Wow, you always have so many fonts, where do you get them from?”

2nd Designer: “Oh they come from Monaco, Geneva, Chicago, New York… I get them delivered at various Times throughout the day…”

1st Designer: “By who?”

2nd Designer: “A Courier!”

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What did Helvetica say to Arial?
You're such a copy cat.

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What did the horse say to Bordeaux?
Why the long type face?

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One font meets the other in Rome. He asks: "Hey, are you a roman too?" "No," says the other, "but i'm an Italic!"

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A font walks up to Gill Sans and asks: "do you want to go out with me?". But Gill Sans says "no". "Why don't you want to go out with me?" the other font asks. Gill Sans: "Because you're Grotesque!"

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Graphic Designer Humour

2011-08-05T13:44:00.000-07:00

1. You've almost rear-ended the car in front of you because you were analyzing a font on a billboard.

2. You get pissed when a free Photoshop brush you download is less than 1000px in size.

3. You'd rather study the paisley pattern on your boyfriend/girlfriend's shirt than listen to what he/she has to say.

4. You can use keyboard shortcuts at light speed, blindfolded, but you can't type a paragraph of text without staring at the keyboard.

5. You've had "Software Nightmares," when you've been working way too much.

6. You consider meals interruptions.

7. You've learned your lesson and stopped using the word "final" in any file name when saving.

8. You clean your keyboard more often than you wash your car.

9. You've intentionally given up trying to explain your projects to non-designers.

10. You see CMYK and RGB like Neo sees the Matrix.

11. You'd rather organize your desktop than your sock drawer.

12. When you heard that Adobe was aquiring Macromedia, you had a Design Orgasm.

13. When you look at Album art all you see are grunge Photoshop Brushes. (Then you see the album art a couple minutes later)

14. You've Photoshopped out a watermark for a comp or mock-up.

15. You've actually $paid for a font.

16. You've totally slaughtered a great design concept because the client thinks he/she knows best. (everyone thinks they are a designer)

17. The amount of words you've written with a sharpie labeling burned discs total more than the amount of words you've read in novels.

18. You've had to explain to a client that a layered file wasn't part of the deal.

19. You've kept a ragged concert ticket just so you could scan it.

20. You've nicknamed the OSX spinning wheel. (and not affectionately)spinning beachball o’ death

21. You bookmark a resource more often than you have a fun night out on the town.

22. You've intentionally overbid a project because you can sniff out a bad client from a mile away.

23. You can't go to a restaurant without secretly critiquing the menu design.

24. You have an amazingly huge font collection, and an amazingly short temper.

25. If you had a penny for every mouse click, you would have been a trillionaire 3 years ago.

26. You have removed the arrows and cleaned up the fonts on a forwarded mail before forwarding on (as I have just done!)

I knew a blonde

2011-03-30T14:52:00.001-07:00

I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......

* she called me to get my phone number.

* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."

* she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

*she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

*she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

*she tried to drown a fish.

*she thought a quarterback was a refund.

*she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

*she tripped over a cordless phone.

*she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

*she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

*she studied for a blood test.

*she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

*when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

*when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

*when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home

Are there any gators

2011-03-30T14:51:00.001-07:00

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.

"The sharks got 'em."

Difference For SuperMan

2011-03-30T14:50:00.001-07:00

A man went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.

As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill. The flier said it was his last one. The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars. The man said that it was all he had on him.

The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar. The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death. The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, "You sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman."

My Resume

2011-03-30T14:46:00.000-07:00

These are from actual resumes:

"Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs.

"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability."

"Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."

"I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."

"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."

"Number of dependents: 40."

"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."

RESUME BLOOPERS

"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:

"Responsibility makes me nervous."

"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions."

REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB:

"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches."

"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."

"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:

"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility."

"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:

"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."

"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:

"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."

PERSONAL INTERESTS:

"Donating blood. 14 gallons so far."

SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:

"Education: College, August 1880-May 1984."

"Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."

"Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget."

"I'm a rabid typist."

"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation."

I Love my wife

2011-03-30T14:41:00.001-07:00

There was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat.

When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?" The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan." The other man replied,"I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"

The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."

Redneck Logic

2011-03-30T14:40:00.000-07:00

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.

"What's logic?" the first redneck asked.

The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

"I sure do."

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good!" said the redneck.

The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."

Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"

The redneck was catching on.

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin'?" asked the friend.

"Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck.

"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend.

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.

"No," his friend replied.

"You're queer, ain't ya?"

Basketball joke

2011-03-30T14:39:00.003-07:00

Two college basketball players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank.

The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a ________."

Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.

Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?"

Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba. "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a FARM."

"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now."

He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Tapping Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"

"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."

Cricket Joke

2011-03-30T14:38:00.001-07:00

In a village match, one of the batsmen received a fast ball which caught him in the mouth and broke several teeth. The next year, in the return match, he faced the same bowler.

'I hope you're not after my teeth this year,' he said.

'No,' grinned the bowler, 'this time it's the stumps I'm after!'

Jassem is now Johnny

2010-09-03T17:15:00.000-07:00

Jassem, an Arab child, entered his classroom on the first day of school in New York.
"What is your name?" – asked the teacher.
"Jassem". . .. – answered the kid.
"You are in America now. From now on your name will be Johnny," –replied the teacher.
In the evening, Jassem returned home. "How was your day, Jassem?" – asked his mother.
"My name is not Jassem. I’m in America and now my name is Johnny."
"Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage? Shame on you!" – and she beat him.
Then she called his father and he too beat him.
The next day Jassem returned to school..
When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked, "What happened to you little Johnny"?
Well ma'am, 4 hours after I becoming an American, I was attacked by two Arabs terrorist at home."

Enthusiastic Salesman

2010-09-03T17:14:00.000-07:00

A new vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on the door on the First house of the street.

A tall lady answered the door.

Before she could speak, the enthusiastic salesman barged into the living room and opened a big black plastic bag and poured all the cow droppings onto the carpet.

"Madam, if I could not clean this up within 5 minutes with the use of this new Powerful Vacuum cleaner, I will EAT all this dung!" exclaimed the eager salesman.

"Do you need chilly sauce or ketchup with that" .asked the lady.

The bewildered salesman asked, "Why, madam?"

"There's no electricity in the house..." said the lady…

Barber

2010-09-03T17:13:00.000-07:00

While in London Pakistani President Mr. Zardari decides to go for a haircut to the very expensive Nicky Clarke salon on Bond Street , LONDON where a haircut is 200 Pounds (naturally no ordinary barber will do for our King!)

Mr. Nicky Clarke himself attends to our man. They have the usual gentlemanly chit-chat about horses, property, and hedge funds.

Every now and than Nicky Clarke stops and asks: "How's Chowdhury Iftikhar Husain, your Chief Justice?"

He does this a few times in between. Just stops the conversation and asks this question.

Finally, our President cannot stand it any longer. He hisses: "What's your problem man? Why do you keep asking me about him? What's he to you?"

Nicky Clarke answers: "Oh! he's nothing to me mate, but every time I mention his name your hair stands on end. Makes it easier for me to cut!"

Mistakes and Mistakes

2010-08-26T14:47:00.000-07:00

If a barber makes a mistake,

It's a new style

If a driver makes a mistake,

It is a New Path

If an engineer makes a mistake,

It is a new venture

If parents makes a mistake,

It is a new generation

If a politician makes a mistake,

It is a new law

If a scientist makes a mistake,

It is a new invention

If a tailor makes a mistake,

It is a new fashion

If a teacher makes a mistake,

It is a new theory

If our boss makes a mistake,
It is a New idea

&

If an employee makes a mistake,
It is a Mistake Only

Modern Heights

2010-08-12T17:17:00.000-07:00

1. What is height of Fashion?
A. Dhoti with a zip .

2. What is height of Secrecy?
A. Offering blank visiting cards.

3. What is height of Active laziness?
A. Asking for a lift to house while on a morning walk.

4. What is height of Craziness?
A. Getting a blank paper Xeroxed.

5. What is height of Forgetfulness?
A. Seeing the mirror and trying to recollect when you saw him / her last.

6. What is height of Stupidity?
A. A man looking through a keyhole of a glass door.

7. What is height of Honesty?
A. A pregnant woman taking one and a half ticket.

8. What is height of Suicide?
A. A dwarf jumping from the footpath on the road.

9. What is height of De-hydration?
A. A cow giving milk powder.

Secrets of happy married life

2010-07-24T16:45:00.001-07:00

Once X asked Y, "What is the secret behind your happy married life?"
Y said, "You should share responsibilities with due love and respect to each
other. Then absolutely there will be no problems."

X asked, "Can you explain?"
Y said, "In my house, I take decisions on bigger issues where as my wife
decides on smaller issues. We do not interfere in each other's
decisions."

Still not convinced, X asked Y "Give me some examples"

Y said," Smaller issues like which car we should buy, how much amount to
save, when to visit home town, which Sofa, air conditioner, refrigerator to
buy, monthly expenses, whether to keep a maid or not etc are decided by my
wife. I just agree to it"

X asked, "Then what is your role?"
Y said," My decisions are only for very big issues. Like, whether Musharraff should
stay in the power or not, whether America should attack Iran, whether Britain should lift sanction over Zimbabwe, whether to widen African economy, whether Sachin Tendulkar should retire etc etc.

Do you know one thing, my wife NEVER objects to any of these".

Boss Will Be Boss

2010-07-19T17:09:00.000-07:00

Small is Good

2010-07-15T15:40:00.000-07:00

Have you ever wondered why SMALL is GOOD ??

Look below for it

Why never trust women

2010-05-22T14:38:00.000-07:00

Women are not trustworthy. If you deny than have a look at these.

What happened when customers was unattended

2010-05-21T16:45:00.000-07:00

Never leave customers unattended specially at restaurants. If so then this will happen

PC Table Comparison- Girls Vs Boys

2010-05-20T16:00:00.000-07:00

GIRLS DESK

BOYS DESK

After seeing the two pics you can clearly identify who works n who doesn't,,,,,!!!

Its call Confidence

2010-05-20T15:45:00.000-07:00

Latest Men Shaving Machine

2010-05-20T15:43:00.000-07:00

Latest Imac

2010-05-20T15:41:00.000-07:00

How to sleep with your wife

2010-05-15T16:22:00.000-07:00

Smartest way to sleep with your wife it to tag her

so that you can't be calling your girlfriend's name while sleeping

What women want

2010-05-15T16:20:00.001-07:00

How to spot a rich guy?

2010-05-15T16:18:00.000-07:00

This is how you spot a rich guy without his expensive suit, watch or car

Women riding a bike

2010-05-15T16:17:00.000-07:00

Have you ever wondered why women not often ride motor cylces???

If not have a look at it.

Child BEER

2010-05-15T16:14:00.001-07:00

Though liquor companies are not allowed to make beer for children

some guys failed primary education has done it.

Santa on Vacations

2010-05-15T16:11:00.000-07:00

Have you ever wondered what SANTA does in summers??

Or when he has nothing to do at all???

We know that where he is enjoying his holidays ... Take a look

Last Landing

2010-05-15T16:09:00.001-07:00

Great Escape

2010-05-15T16:07:00.001-07:00

What will happen when Artificial Intelligence will take over ??

Bill Gates Toilet

2010-05-15T16:06:00.000-07:00

Have you ever wondered how Bill Gate's toilet looks like??

Why men are so afraid to visit toilets

2010-05-15T16:04:00.000-07:00

SCARY LOO: SEE WHY MEN ARE SO AFRAID TO VISIT THIS LOO....

Flirting Program in C++

2010-05-11T16:04:00.001-07:00

How to make a Flirt Program in C++

#include
#include
#include
#include
#define Cute beautiful_lady

Main()
{
Goto college;
Scanf("100%" ,&ladies);
If(lady ==Cute)
Line++;
While( !reply )
{

Printf("I Love U");

Scanf("100%" ,&reply);

}

If(reply == "GAALI")
Main(); /* go back and repeat the process */

Else if(reply == "SANDAL ")
Exit(1);

Else if(reply == "I Love U")
{
Lover =Cute ;
Love = (heart*)malloc( sizeof(lover) );
}

Goto restaurant;

Restaurant:
{
Food++;
Smile++;
Pay->money = lover->money;
Return(college) ;
}

If(time==2.30)
Goto cinema;

Cinema:
{
Watch++;
If(intermission)
{
Coke++;
Popecorn++;
}

Laws of Love

2010-05-11T15:32:00.000-07:00

Universal law of Love:

Love can neither be created nor be destroyed; only it can transfer from one girlfriend to another girlfriend with some loss of money "

First law of Love:

A boy in love with a girl, continue to be in love with her and a girl in love with a boy, continue to be in love with him,until or unless any external agent (brother or father of the gal) comes into play and break the legs of the boy."

Second law of Love:

The rate of change of intensity of love of a girl towards a boy is directly proportional to the instantaneous bank balance of the boy and the direction of this love is same to as increment or decrement of the bank balance."

Third law of Love:

The force applied while proposing a girl by a boy is equal and opposite to the force applied by the girl while slapping."

What happen if your wife receives your girl friend's call

2010-05-09T11:08:00.000-07:00

My darling husband,
Before you return from your business trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway.

Fortunately it was not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.

I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.

The garage door is slightly bent but the pickup fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know you will forgive me since it was just an accident.

I am enclosing a picture for you.

I can't wait to see you…

Your loving wife.
XXX

P.S. Your girlfriend called.

Only for BANK EMPLOYEES

2010-05-03T17:17:00.001-07:00

Once a man went to a Veterinary Doctor and said:

Doctor I have come on vacation for a month so that I can get myself treated fully within this period.

Doctor: I think you should go to the Doctor opposite to my clinic, see that board.

Man: No, Doctor, I have come to you only

Doctor: But, gentleman I am a Veterinary Doctor. I am an animal specialist. I do not treat human beings.

Man: I know, Doctor very well and that is why I have come to you only...

Doctor: I can not, because you speak like me, think like me, talk like me which means you are a human being and not an animal.

Man: I know I am a human but listen to my complaints first:

Doctor: OK. Tell me.

Man:
I sleep like dog thinking about my work load whole night.
I get up in the morning like a horse
I go to work running like a deer
I work all the day like a donkey
I run around for 11 months like a bull without any holiday.
I wag my tail in front of all my bosses
I play with my children like a monkey if I get time.
I am like a rabbit before my wife

Doctor: are you a Bank Employee?

Man: Yes !!

Doctor: Instead of telling this long history you should have told me in the beginning that you are a Banker. Come man, no one can treat you better than me.

Who said third world countries is not developed !!!!!!!!

2010-05-03T17:16:00.000-07:00

Who said third world countries is not developed

Scroll Down

Safety Belt Precaution While Driving

2010-04-30T17:42:00.000-07:00

The national Highway Safety Council has done extensive testing on a newly designed seat belt. Results show that accidents can be reduced by as much as 45% when the belt is properly installed.

Correct installation is illustrated below

Life of an Employee..........

2010-04-28T19:36:00.000-07:00

This is the what happened in the office.

See and Enjoy………

And Finally

Wisdom World Pathans!

2010-04-28T19:26:00.001-07:00

80,000 Pathans meet in the Peshawar Stadium for a "Pathans Are Not Stupid" Convention.

The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that Pathans are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A Pathan works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks him, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds he says, "Eighteen!" Obviously everyone is a little disappointed.

Then 80,000 PAthans start cheering, "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"

The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give him another chance."

So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, "Ninety?" The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the Pathan starts crying and the 80,000 men begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance-- What is 2 plus 2?"

The man closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"

Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 pathans jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream...

"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

How to ask your Boss for a salary increase..?

2010-04-28T19:15:00.000-07:00

One day you send a letter to your boss asking for an increase in your salary!

Dear Bo$$

In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.

I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.

Your$ $incerely,

The next day, you received this letter of reply:

Oh my dear:

I kNOw you have been working veryhard.NOwadays,NOthing much has changed.You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.

NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad. I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.

Yours truly.

Which Gender is Intelligent? Man or Woman ???

2010-04-27T15:34:00.001-07:00

A Proof of which Gender is Intelligent An English professor wrote the words:
" A woman without her man is nothing"

On the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly..

All of the males in the class wrote : "A woman, without her man, is nothing."

All the females in the class wrote : "A woman: without her, man is nothing."

Punctuation is powerful!!

LITTLE BOBBY ( Confessions of a Kid )

2010-04-25T13:17:00.000-07:00

Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.
His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.
Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.
Little Bobby was a bit of a troublemaker.
He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.
Bobby's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday.
Little Bobby, of course, thought he did.
Bobby's mother wanted Bobby to reflect on his behavior over the last year.
Go to your room, Bobby, and think about how you have behaved this year.
Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday.
Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

Letter 1

Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday.
I want a red one.
Your friend,
Bobby

Bobby knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year,
So he tore up the letter and started over.

Letter 2

Dear God,
This is your friend Bobby. I have been a good boy this year and I would like
A red bike for my birthday. Thank you.
Your friend,
Bobby

Bobby knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore up the letter and started again.

Letter 3

Dear God,
I have been an OK boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday.
Bobby

Bobby knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Bobby wrote a fourth letter.

Letter 4

God,
I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry.
I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday.
Please! Thank you,
Bobby

Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike.
Now, Bobby was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church.
Bobby's mother thought her plan had worked, as Bobby looked very sad.
Just be home in time for dinner, Bobby's mother told him.
Bobby walked down the street to the church on the corner.
Little Bobby went into the church and up to the altar.
He looked around to see if anyone was there.
Bobby bent down and picked up a statue of the Mary.
He slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room.
He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.
Bobby began to write his letter to God.

Letter 5

God,
I'VE KIDNAPPED YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE!!!!!!

Confusing Name

2010-04-25T13:13:00.000-07:00

An Indian guy named "Anantharaman Subbaraman " arrived at the New York airport and ended up waiting for his visa for about 2 hours for the authorities to call his name.

He got fed up and went to them and asked why they haven't called his name yet.

They said that they have been calling him for the last 2 hours as

"Anotherman Superman"

Some Thing About Girls...

2010-04-25T13:09:00.001-07:00

If you treat her nice she says"Yaar mujhe line de raha hai".

If you don't she says "Kitna akadta hai".

If you dress nicely she says "Mujhay impress karna chahta hai".

If you don't she says "Tasteless hai yaar".

If you argue with her she says "Ziddi hai".

If you sit quietly she says "Dumb hai".

If you act smarter she'll lose her brain as you are insulting her.

If she acts smarter she think its her right.

If you don't love her she says "Is ka to pehlay say hi 2,3 ladkioon ke saath chakar hai".

If you love her she says " Peechay hi pad gayaa hai".

If you don't give her a kiss she says "Tum mujh say serious naheen ho".

If you give her a kiss she says "Yaar who ladkaa flirt kar raha hai".

If you don't tell her your problems she says "You are not honest to me".

If you do tell to her she says "You are a problem child".

If you scold her she says "You act like a grandpa giving lecture".

If she scolds you she says "Yaar, its because I care".

If you break a promise she says "He does not trust you any more".

If she breaks she says "Jaan main majboor thi"

If you smoke she says "You are a bad guy".

If she smokes she says "I need this, please jaanu try to understand".

If you do good in exams she says "Kismat NE saath diya warna tum or good marks".

If she gets good marks she says "Its my brain ".

If you hurt her she says "You are cruel & don't care of my feelings".

If she hurts you she replies" You are not understanding".

5 Toughest Questions Women ask

2010-04-25T12:59:00.000-07:00

Here are answers to 5 of the toughest questions women ask… There are five things that women should never, ever ask a guy, according to an article in last April”s issue of Sassy magazine.
The five questions are:

1 - “What are you thinking?”
2 - “Do you love me?”
3 - “Do I look fat?”
4 - “Do you think she is prettier than me?”
5 - “What would you do if I died?”

What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:

1 - “What are you thinking?”
· The proper answer to this question, of course is,
“I”m sorry if I”ve been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you.”

Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:

· Baseball
· Football
· How fat you are.
· How much prettier she is than you.
· How he would spend the insurance money if you died.

According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. “If I wanted you to know,” Al said, “I”d be talking instead of thinking.”

The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:

2 - “Do you love me?”

The correct answer to this question is, “Yes.”

For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, “Yes, dear”..
Wrong answers include:

· I suppose so.
· Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
· That depends on what you mean by “love”.
· Does it matter?
· Who, me?

3 - “Do I look fat?”

The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state,

“No, of course not” and then quickly leave the room.

Wrong answers include:

· I wouldn”t call you fat, but I wouldn”t call you thin either.
· Compared to what?
· A little extra weight looks good on you.
· I”ve seen fatter.
· Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

4 - “Do you think she”s prettier than me?”

The “she” in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were starring at so hard thay you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, “No, you are much prettier.”

Wrong answers include:

· Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
· I don”t know how one goes about rating such things.
· Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
· Only in the sense that she”s younger and thinner.
· Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

5 - “What would you do if I died?”

Correct answer:

“Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino”s Pizza truck that came my way.”

“Dear,” said the wife. “What would you do if I died?” “Why, dear, I would be extremely upset,” said the husband. “Why do you ask such a question?” “Would you remarry?” persevered the wife. “No, of couse not, dear” said the husband. “Don”t you like being married?” said the wife. “Of course I do, dear” he said. “Then why wouldn”t you remarry?” “Alright,” said the husband, “I”d remarry.” “You would?” said the wife, looking vaguely hurt. “Yes” said the husband. “Would you sleep with her in our bed?” said the wife after a long pause. “Well yes, I suppose I would..” replied the husband. “I see,” said the wife indignantly.”And would you let her wear my old clothes?” “I suppose, if she wanted to” said the husband. “Really,” said the wife icily. “And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?” “Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do.” “Is that so?” said the wife, leaping to her feet. “And I suppose you”d let her play with my golf clubs, too.” “Of course not, dear,” said the husband. “She”s left-handed.”

Sardarji's Mom's Letter

2010-04-25T12:32:00.000-07:00

Dear Banta
Vahe Guru !

I am in a well here and hoping you are in the same well there. I'm writing this letter slowly, because I know you cannot read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20 miles.

I wont be able to send the address as the last Sardar who stayed here took the house numbers with them for their new house so they would not have to change their address. Hopefully by next week we will be able to bring our earlier address plate here, so that our address will remain same too.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated right above the commode. I'm not sure it works. Last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days.

The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.

Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery.

By the way I took Bahu to our club's poolside. The manager is really badmash. He told her that two-piece swimming suit is not allowed in this club. We were confused as to which piece should we remove?

Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your uncle, Jetinder fell in a nearby well. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Your best friend, Balwinder, is no more. He died trying to fulfill his father's last wishes. His father had wished to be buried at sea after he died. And your friend died while in the process of digging a grave for his father.

There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.

P.S: Beta, I was going to send you some money but by the time I realized, I had already sealed off this letter.

Employees Leave Letters

2010-04-25T12:26:00.000-07:00

This is a collection of leave letters and applications written by people knowing thodi bahut angreji. English is a funny language.

1. A student's leave letter:
"As I am suffering from my uncle's marriage I cannot attend the class...."

2. A candidate's application:
"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a 'typist And an accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both for the past Several years and I can handle both; I am applying for the post."

3. I.T.I., Lahore: An employee applied for leave as follows:
Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife. Please sanction me one-week leave.

4. Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:
"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clocks and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"

5. A leave letter to the headmaster:
"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"

6. An incident of a leave letter:
"I am suffering from fever, please declare one day holiday."

7. Another leave letter written to the headmaster:
As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day.

8. A covering note:
"I am enclosed herewith..."

9. From H.A.L. Administration dept:
As my mother-in-law has expired and I am responsible for it, Please grant me 10 days leave.

10. Actual letter written for application of leave:
"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband At home I may be granted leave".

11. Letter writing:
"I am in well here and hope you are also in the same well."

12. Another gem from I.T.I. Leave-letter from an employee who was Performing his daughter's wedding:
"As I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.

New Year - Employee Rules and Regulations

2010-04-25T12:20:00.000-07:00

Dress Code

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.

If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better,so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore do not need a raise.

If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore do not need a raise.

Sick Days

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness.

If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

Toilet Use

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls.

At the end of the three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken.

After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category".

Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy!

You are allowed to use the rest room only thrice a day and you have to swipe in and out from the toilet doors also.

Lunch Break

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a slim fast.

Mails

Don't read junk and forwarded mails.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company.

We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore,

All questions, comments,concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations,consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management.

Its all about Wives

2010-04-25T12:15:00.000-07:00

My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.

************

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met .

************

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

************

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor."

I asked her, "Where's the car?"

She replied, "In the lake."

************

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

************

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

************

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate.

So I got myself two girlfriends.

************

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

************

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"

The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

************

A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."

The next day he received a hundred letters.

They all said the same: "You can have mine."

*************

It's not true that married men live longer than single men.

It only seems longer.

*************

Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

*************

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he wants, but his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets.

The man thinks for a moment and says, Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me till I'm half dead."

**************

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once .

What Does Your Manager Expect???

2010-04-21T16:38:00.000-07:00

Girls College and Hostel

2010-04-21T13:57:00.000-07:00

Chinese Adult Restaurant

2010-04-16T15:58:00.000-07:00

Batman At Duty

2010-04-16T15:56:00.001-07:00

Consequences of Marriage

2010-04-14T05:12:00.000-07:00

Meaning of Wife

2010-03-31T03:30:00.001-07:00

Wife came to his husband and ask

Wife : "Do you know the meaning of WIFE?"

Husband : "Yes! it means WITHOUT INFORMATION FIGHTING EVERTIME"

Wife : "No it means WITH IDIOT FOR EVER"

Successful Man

2010-03-29T18:49:00.001-07:00

A man who can make more money than his wife can spend.

Boys In Examination Hall

2010-03-29T18:46:00.000-07:00

Four things a boy do in Examination Hall.

1- Counting no of gals

2- Flirting with the lady invigilator

3- Reading the brand name of pen

4- Thinking to study for the next exam ......

What is Human Being

2010-03-29T18:45:00.001-07:00

Definition of Human Being !!!

A Creature that cuts down trees and make papers to write SAVE TREES on it .....

My New Year resolution!! !

2010-03-26T19:34:00.000-07:00

My New Year resolution!! !

No matter what happens in the project,

Whatever may be the pressure, deadlines, tensions!!

…..

I'll maintain this spirit…

….

…. ….

….

Have a Smile!

2010-03-26T19:28:00.000-07:00

Two Christians were lost in the Sahara desert .

One is called George one is called Micheal .

They were dying of hunger and thirst when they suddenly came upon an oasis , with what looked like an emirat of a mosque in the middle .

Micheal said to George : "Look let's pretend we are muslim, otherwise these Arabs are going to kill us . I am going to call my self Mohammed."

George refused to change his name , he said :" My name is george , and I will not pretend to be other than but what I am . ...George ."

The Immam of the mosque received both well and asked about their names .

Micheal said : "My name is Mohammed ."

George said : My name is George. "

The Immam turned to the helpers of the mosque and said :

" Please bring some food and water for George only ."

Then he turned to the other and said :

" Well Mohammed I hope you are aware that we are still in the holy month of Rhamadan ."

Prostitution

2010-03-10T23:42:00.001-08:00

Prostitution is the only industry where freshies are paid more than experienced.

in reference to: Google (view on Google Sidewiki)

Student Vs Parents

2010-02-13T13:22:00.001-08:00

Our parents have many options for us like:

Poison

Sleeping Pill

Hanging by Neck

Throwing from Building

But

they Choose Education

Difference Between You and Your Boss

2010-02-13T13:08:00.000-08:00

When you are on a day off sick, you are always sick.

But when your Boss is on a day off sick, he must be very ill.

Letter From Management To All Employees

2010-01-26T07:45:00.000-08:00

S.H.I.T.

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

FROM: MANAGEMENT

RE: SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity
from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well
trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (
S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job,
please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of
the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that
you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL
EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to
take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE
TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before
they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all
full of S.H.I.T. already. If you are full of S.H.I.T. you may be interested in
a job of training the others.

We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L.
S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the
S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY
PROGRAMMING (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.).

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF
TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.)

Thank you,
Mr. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
BOSS IN GENERAL
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

DOCTOR

2010-01-02T23:12:00.002-08:00

A person who kills your ills by pills,
and kills you by his bills!!

POLITICIAN

2010-01-02T23:12:00.001-08:00

One who shakes your hand before elections
and your Confidence Later !!!!!

FATHER

2010-01-02T23:11:00.001-08:00

A banker provided by nature

PHILOSOPHER

2010-01-02T23:08:00.001-08:00

A fool who torments himself during life,
to be spoken of when dead

COMMITTEE

2010-01-02T23:06:00.000-08:00

Individuals who can do nothing individually
and sit to decide that nothing can be done together !!!!!

OFFICE

2010-01-02T23:05:00.001-08:00

A place where you can relax
after your strenuous home life

TEARS

2010-01-02T23:02:00.001-08:00

The hydraulic force by which
masculine will power is
defeated by feminine water-power!

LECTURE

2010-01-02T23:00:00.001-08:00

An art of transmitting Information from the notes of the lecturer
to the notes of students without passing through the minds of either!!!!

MARRIAGE

2010-01-02T22:59:00.000-08:00

MARRIAGE an agreement wherein
a man loses his bachelor degree
and a woman gains her master

Don't COPY if you can't PASTE!

2009-12-11T13:25:00.000-08:00

A popular motivational speaker once said:

"the best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!"

The audience was in silence and shocked.The speaker added

"And that woman was my mother!"

Laughter and Appalause!

A top manager trained by him tried to copy this at home after drink

"the best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!...."

and forgot the remaining part of the joke he quite there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke,
he finally blurted out

"and i can't remember who she was!"

By the time the manager regained his conciousnes, he was on hospital bed nurses recovering from burns of boiling water.

MORAL: Don't COPY if you can;t PASTE!

Boss

2009-10-22T14:52:00.000-07:00

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses’ wife instead: “I’m afraid he died last week.” she explains.

The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. “I told you” the wife replies, “he died last week.”

The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss.

By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts:

“I’VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?”

“Coz . . .” he replied laughing, “I just love hearing it. . . .”

Honorable MEN

2009-10-18T10:48:00.001-07:00

Must Read for Every Man and of course Woman (to understand man)

If a female is reading this article then just realize the value of a man; and if its a male then feel proud of after reading it!

"One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with ANGELINA JOLIE "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to ANGELINA JOLIE,
You would have come up with CAMERON DIAZ. Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to ANGELINA JOLIE."

The moral of this story:

Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.
That's our story, and we're sticking to it! - "WE ARE HONORABLE MEN!!!!!!"

ANGER MANAGEMENT

2009-10-18T10:32:00.000-07:00

Husband to wife: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?

Wife: I clean the toilet bowl.

Husband: How does that help?

Wife: I use your toothbrush.

THE SUCCESS OF MARRIAGE

2009-10-18T09:48:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time a married couple celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary.

They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in their period of 25 years.

Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their well known "happy going marriage".

Editor: "Sir. It's amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible? "

Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said:

"We had been to Shimla for honeymoon after marriage.

Having selected the horse riding finally, we both started the ride on different horses.

My horse was pretty okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one.

On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over.

Recovering her position from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said "This is your first time".

She again climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened again.

This time she again kept calm and said "This is your second time" and continued.

When the horse dropped her third time, she silently took out the revolver from the purse and shot the horse dead !!

I shouted at my wife: "What did you do you psycho. You killed the poor animal. Are you crazy?" ..

She gave a silent look and said: "This is your first time!!!"."

Husband:"That's it. We are happy ever after. "

OLD Lady Driver

2009-10-14T13:39:00.000-07:00

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Computer Programmer And a Frog

2009-10-14T12:50:00.000-07:00

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and
said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent
over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are
and how you are my hero." The man took the frog out of his pocket,
smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful
princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man
took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his
pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

Positive Approach

2009-10-14T12:41:00.001-07:00

Father: I want you to marry a girl of my choice.

Son: 'I will choose my own bride!'

Father: 'But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter.'

Son: 'Well, in that case...OK'

Next Day

Father approaches Bill Gates.

Father: 'I have a husband for your daughter.'

Bill Gates: 'But my daughter is too young to marry!'

Father: 'But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank.'

Bill Gates: 'Ah, in that case... OK'

Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank.

Father: 'I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president. '

President: 'But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!'

Father: 'But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law.'

President: 'Ah, in that case... OK'

This is how business is done!!

Moral: Even if you have nothing, you can get anything. But your attitude & approach should be positive

Thinking out of box !!

2009-10-11T10:21:00.001-07:00

Q How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?

A. Concrete floors are very hard to crack!

**********
Q. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?

A. No time at all it is already built.

**********
Q. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?

A. Very large hands. (Good one)

**********
Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?

A. It is not a problem, since you will never find! an elephant with one hand.

**********
Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep?

A. No Probs , He sleeps at night.

**********
Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?

A. It will Wet or Sink as simple as that.

**********
Q. What looks like half apple ?

A : The other half.

**********
Q. What can you never eat for breakfast ?

A : Lunch and Dinner.

**********
Q. What happened when wheel was invented ?

A : It caused a revolution.

**********
Q. Bay of Bengal is in which state?

A : Liquid

**********
ONE EXTRA SHOT

Interviewer said "I shall either ask you ten easy questions or one really difficult question.

Think well before you make up your mind!" The boy thought for a while and said, "my choice is one really difficult question."

"Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice! Now tell me this.

"What comes first, Day or Night?"

The boy was jolted into reality as his admission depends on the correctness of his answer, but he thought for a while and said, "It's the DAY sir!"

"How" the interviewer asked,

"Sorry Sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult question!"

Always Keep Smile Because I've never seen a smiling face that was not Beautiful!!!!!

Current Job Situation

2009-10-11T10:13:00.000-07:00

Women Joke

2009-10-11T09:33:00.000-07:00

A woman came in a Garage and asked for a seven-hundred- ten.
All looked at each other, and the mechanic
asked, "What is a seven-hundred- ten?"

She replied, "You know, the
little piece in the middle of the engine. I lost it and need a new one. It had
always been there."

The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and
a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in
the middle of it wrote 710 !!

He then took her over to another car
which had the hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?"

She
pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there."

Now go to the photo
below to learn what a 710 is.............

...
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...
...
...
......
...
...
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...
...
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...
...
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......
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...
...
...
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.....
...
...
...

Women
? The mechanic fainted!!

Beggar's Girlfriend

2009-09-14T05:59:00.000-07:00

Beggar: Saab Rs.6 dedo chai pini he

MAN: kyo? chai to 3 ki hoti hai.

Beggar: Saath me giflfriend b hai

MAN: Bhikari hokar b giflfriend banali?

Beggar: Na saab. giflfriend ne bhikari bana diya.

Management

2009-09-05T04:46:00.001-07:00

A man flying in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. Reducing altitude, he spotted a man on the ground and descended to shouting range.

"Excuse me," he shouted. "Can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him a half hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below responded: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees North Latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees West Longitude."

"You must be an engineer," responded the balloonist.

"I am," the man replied. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

Whereupon the man on the ground responded, "You must be a manager."

"That I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."

Notice to Employees

2009-09-05T04:45:00.000-07:00

(Includes Part Time Workers)

SICKNESS We will no longer accept your doctors' statements as proof. We believe if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to work.

LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR SURGERY We are no longer allowing this practice. As long as you are employed here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for. Anyone having operations will be FIRED immediately.

PREGNANCY In the event of extreme pregnancy, you will be allowed to go to the first aid room when the pains are FIVE MINUTES apart. IF it is false labor, you will have to take an hour's leave without pay.

DEATH This will be accepted as an excuse, BUT we would like two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone your job prior to . . . or after death.
This new benefit program started yesterday.

Corporate Lesson number two

2009-09-05T04:44:00.004-07:00

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Corporate Lesson number one

2009-09-05T04:44:00.003-07:00

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story is:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Boat Race

2009-09-05T04:44:00.001-07:00

The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day they felt ready.
The Japanese won by a mile. Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommended corrective action.
The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering.
After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team.
So as race day neared again the following year, the American team's management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.
The next year, the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem

Manager

2009-09-05T04:43:00.001-07:00

A road construction manager needed to hire someone to paint the yellow lines down the middle of a newly constructed road. A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all get hired. They are each assigned a section of the road. The first day, the blonde paints 2 miles, the redhead 1.5, and the brunette only 1. On the second day, the blonde paints 1 mile, the brunette 2, and the redhead 2.5. On the third day, the blonde only gets 1/4 of a mile done, the redhead 3, and the brunette 3.5. The manager decides to talk to the blonde. "You haven't been painting as much road as you did on the first day. What's the problem?" "I'd be painting more, but the bucket keeps getting farther and farther away!"

Pills

2009-09-05T04:42:00.001-07:00

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!" "That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"

Office Manager

2009-09-05T04:40:00.000-07:00

An office manager arrives at his department and sees an employee sitting behind his desk, totally stressed out.
He gives him the advice: "I went home every afternoon for two weeks and had myself pampered by my wife. It was fantastic, and it really helped; you should try it too!".
Two weeks later, when the manager arrives at his department, he sees the man happy and full of energy at his desk. The faxes are piling up, and the computer is running at full speed. "I see you followed my advice".
"I did", answers the employee. "It was great! By the way I didn't know you had such a nice house!".

True Freindship

2009-09-01T22:40:00.000-07:00

A boy came home after spending a night outside.

Father : "Where were you all the night?"

Son : "I was at my freind's house."

To investigate his father called 10 of his friends. Out of which 8 replied that he was with them and 2 replies that " He is still sleeping, should i wake him up." :)

Stupid Question / Answers

2009-08-31T17:57:00.000-07:00

1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/ friends.. .

Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?

Answer:-Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here..

------------ --------- --------- --------- ------

2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...

Stupid Question -Sorry, did that hurt?

Answer:-No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.. ...why don't you try again.

----------- --------- --------- --------- -----

3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...

Stupid Question:-Why, why him, of all people.

Answer:-Why? Would it rather have been you?

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4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter

Stupid Question:-Is ! the "Paneer butter Masala" dish good??

Answer:-No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occassionaly also spit in it.

------------ --------- --------- --------- -----

5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years...

Stupid Question:- Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big.

Answer:-Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself

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6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...

Stupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good?

Answer:- No,he's a miserable wife-beating , insensitive lout...it's just the money.

------------ --------- --------- --------- -----

7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...

Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping?

Answer:- No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not.You thought I was sleeping.... you dumb witted moron.

------------ --------- --------- --------- -----

8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...

Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut?

Answer:- No, its autumn and I'm shedding.... ..

Wife

2009-08-31T17:53:00.000-07:00

A man walks in a bank, pulls out a gun, and robs the bank...

Then he turns around and asks the next customer in line, "Did you see me
rob this bank?"

The customer replies, "YES!"

The robber raises his gun, points to his head and BANG!!!!!... shoots
him in the head and kills him!

He then moves to the next customer in line and says to the man, "DID ...
YOU ... SEE ... ME ... ROB THIS BANK????"

The man calmly responds, "No ... But My Wife Did!"

YEH UNIVERSITY KI LARKIAN

2009-08-28T05:08:00.001-07:00

UNIVERSITY KE GATE SE STATES TAK HAIN LARKIAN
YEH LARKIOON KI UNIVERSITYYEH UNIVERSITY KI LARKIAN
MANA KE YEH HASEEN HAINMANA KE YEH ZAHEEN HAIN
HAI LARKA AGAR EK TO SAATH LARKIAN BHI TEEN HAIN
JEBOON MAIN LARKON KI AB HONEY LAGI HAIN KARKIAN
YEH LARKIOON KI UNIVERSITYYEH UNIVERSITY KI LARKIAN
UTTHNA SUBHA BAHANA HAITAYAR HO KER AANA HAI
IN SUB KA YEHI KHOWAB HAI ASHWARIA KO HARANA HAI
PAISOON SE YEH KITABOON KILATEE HAIN APNI BAALIAAN
YEH LARKIOON KI UNVERSITYYEH UNIVERSITY KI LARKIAN
KASHMIR KI KALLI BHI HAIAFRICA KI JALI BHI HAI
LAKHOON HAIN MAGROOR TOIN MAIN KOI BHALLI BHI HAI
GUZRE GALLI SE POINT TOKHOOLE GHAROON KI KHIRKIAAN
YEH LARKIOON KI UNVERSITYYEH UNVERSITY KI LARKIAN
APNA GROUP BANA LIAHER LARKE KO PHASA LIA
JO KUCH THA IN DIMAGOON MAINSUB LARKIOON NE KHA LIA
KESE POSITION LAYEN HUMJADOO KAREN YEH LARKIAN
YEH LARKIOON KI UNIVERSITY YEH UNIVERSITY KI LARKIAAN
HAZAROON EK HI NAAM KINAHIN HAIN KOI KAM KI
RAKHNE PARHE HAIN NAAM AB ANILA (A), ANILA (B), ANILA (C)
GHAR AYEN IN KE PHONE TOAMMA SUNAYEN JHIRKIAN
YEH LARKION KI UNIVERSITYYEH UNIVERSITY KI LARKIAN
PERHAI MAIN BHI AAGAYE HAINLARAI MAIN BHI AAGAYE HAIN
LARKE KESE AAGAYE BARENDAS LARKIAN JO AAGAYE HAIN
LARKOON KI HER LARAYI KASABBAB HAIN YEHI LARKIAN
YEH LARKIOON KI UNIVERSITYYEH UNIVERSITY KI LARKIAN
KHUDAYA HUM KO MAAF KER ZEHNOO KO IN KE SAAF KER
NA DEKHYEN HUM TO KIA KARENAB TU HI KUCH INSAAF KER
DOOZAQH MAIN HUM LARKOON KOPOHCHAYEN GI YEH LARKIAN
YEH LARKIOON KI UNIVERSITY YEH UNIVERSITY KI LARKIAN